


Scrambled

by Lidsworth



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Psychological, Seidou centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:50:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3510689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lidsworth/pseuds/Lidsworth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seidou thought that maybe, after this battle, he'd quit the CCG. He couldn't stomach writing another testament (he wasn't made to be an investigator).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scrambled

 

He cleaned himself up the best he could after his little break down, though a heavy towel and water could only do so much to a broken figure.

 

Puffy eyes stared back at him in the mirror, a bright red nose sniffled at random, and the tousled brown hair atop of his head resembled that of a birds nest. He looked ridiculous, and he felt like an idiot.

 

If he cried like this when he was just writing his testament,how the hell was he supposed to march into the 20th ward and take on ghouls?

 

_Stop worrying! Houji-san already said you wouldn't really be fighting,_ he reminded himself, as he turned to leave,  _You're just nervous because it's your first big mission!_

 

And that's all it was, nerves, just nerves.

OOO

By the time he returns to work, talk of the Owl and the small cafe, Anteiku ignites within the CCG like fire in an engine. Be it the restroom, or the cafeteria, or his office—he always, _always_ hears someone talk about the mission.

 

“I hear it's gonna be a lot of people going,” someone whispers in passing, as Seidou walks through the hallway, a stack of papers in his hands.

 

“You mean to get the Owl? Yeah, I heard about that. I wonder how many people will lose their lives...”  
  
By now, Seidou had deafened his ears to their conversation. In fact, he practiced doing so for any other conversations throughout the day that had to do with the operation. He figured that he'd find solace in his desk work, however, he'd heard Akira and Amon talking about it in the other room, heard Suzuya marveling about the mission, like some sort of child awaiting a new present.

 

Even his “friends” spoke of it.

 

(Friends...what friends put you down? What friends contradicted everything you said to make you sound stupid in front of your idol? Seidou didn't have any friends at the CCG, he just had co-workers).

 

How the hell were they so calm about it? They could die—he could die! He could die!

 

Often, those thoughts found him locked away in his office, lights off, blinds closed, papers scattered around the room as if some storm had torn through it (and a storm _had,_ a storm called Seidou).

 

He'd lean himself against the door, bite into the sleeve of his white shirt (in order to muffle his cries), and heave as tears clouded his vision, and as thoughts of death and agony filled his mind. He could see himself being torn to shreds, being bitten into. Chunks of his skin would be pulled off of his body like string cheese, limbs could go flying into the mouths of hungry ghouls.

 

His bones could crack, his muscles could fall off of his bone like slabs of meat in a butchers shop...

 

he didn't want that, he didn't want to be eaten.

 

“I don't' want to die,” he spoke his mantra again, “i don't want to die.”

 

OOOO

He forgot often, that Houji had the key to his office. Houji had seen him at his worse, eyes red (he looked like a ghoul then), face flushed, hair tousled...

 

Houji helped him the best he could, he calmed him down, made sure he was well enough to go home. Afterwards, Houji didn't speak of Seidou's emotional episodes, and Seidou was grateful for that.

 

Though Houji wanted to talk about it, he always wanted to talk about it. But Seidou took control of the conversation whenever he saw the subject breaching.

OOO

 

Seidou himself wanted to quit, in fact, he wanted to pack his things and run at any given moment.

 

He wasn't a ghoul investigator.

 

But what would they think of him, how would his reputation fair? Akira and Suzuya would tell of his cowardice like a legend in a warrior hall, Amon—his idol—would surely be disappointed, Shinohara would be proved right, and Houji....what would Houji think?

 

So for the sake of a reputation, Seidou remained with the CCG. He lied to himself.

 

“You are an investigator, you are an investigator, you are an investigator”

_I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die._

OOO 

 

He felt somewhat comfortable as his bullets tore through ghouls on the battlefield. Among a legion of investigators, he felt like he belonged. 

 

(But giving a boy a gun doesn't make him a solider). 

 

 

Perhaps after this, he'd quit. He's made his mark, he's shown them—Akira--that he wasn't' dead weight, that he could kill ghouls, that he was an “investigator” (but why does her opinion even matter to him? What the hell does he owe her anyway?

 

He felt like an idiot for even allowing himself to like her once. She'd always put him down, she'd always embarrassed him...why give his heart to someone like her?). 

 

Then she said something about Amon—his idol (that's when he started listening to her). And suddenly, a new sense of protectiveness and stupidity flared up within his body, and before he knew it, he was defying her orders, running through a line of blood thirsty ghouls, and searching for Amon. 

 

And when he found Amon with his arm torn off, all the fear that had been harbored within him spilled over at that moment—but Seidou kept himself together, he couldn't cry, couldn't lose himself. 

 

He needed to get Amon help. He'd cry later on, tears of joy, after he'd hand in his resignation. Maybe Amon would resign too, he'd have to. He was armless. Maybe he and Seidou could be friends, they could talk about life, about small things, like coffee and sweets— then arms and heads go flying (literally), and through an isle of blood, masquerades Aogiri's Tatara, followed by another tall, brutish looking ghoul, who Seidou was too terrified to even identify. 

 

Amon muttered something about running away (but Seidou was too concerned about the tall, buff ghoul stalking towards him to he-), and then Amon yelled, loudly, commanding him to leave. 

 

And Seidou contemplated on running (Because he was not an investigator, that's why he was quitting after this), but despite the internal turmoil (one side told him to stay, the other told him to go), despite the fact that he knew he was not fit to be an investigator, he found himself charging towards the enemy, Kagune in hand, heart in his stomach, and doubting every step of the way. 

  
Seconds later he was flying. 

 

_I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm dying I'm dying_

 

Amon screamed loudly, and a surge of pain tore through Seidou's arm and his chest as some Kagune clamps on to it.

 

And Seidou supposed he couldn't quit afterwards (he was quitting now).

 

He wasn't made to be a ghoul investigator at all...and three years later, he was further from one then he ever believed possible. Rather, with three years of torture and experimentation, he was made to be a ghoul.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Some scrambled crap I put together after reading this chapter. Hopefully the Seidou tag explodes with a lot more work. It's so sad people are just paying attention to him! I've always liked him, can't wait to see how the manga shapes with him. 
> 
> As always, have a wonderful week, and God bless!


End file.
